This little piggy went to market
this little piggy stayed home,
this little piggy had roast beef, with whipped cream
on top and you said, "oui, oui."

Farmist Biz reviews the 1994 B&B guest books

1994 - great year on the Olde Fogie Farm! For many it was a return visit. You know us well by now! And you know Rover, who's on my mind a lot! Action needs to be taken immediately. Rover is that fat - we can't see her eyes; however, she seems to find the way to the food. Can't you see it... a year in jail and fines besides. Paul, November guest in Hayloft, said that he'll be watching the news to follow the events of "Rovergate." "With any luck," Paul says, "you'll get time off for good behavior."

Now this ain't all bad, 3 hots in a cot, volleyball on the court, color TV, card games. Paul said I could even get a college degree while I while away my time in the clink. Maybe I can get time to grow my nails and figure out where I goofed up on my checkbook balancing act. I could catch up writing to my semi-distant relatives and even finish reading A Thousand Acres by Jane Smiley or even get into War and Peace!

We warned Rover that all this could happen. We threatened her with a strict diet regime at Weight Watchers. We tried a Lean Cuisine meal but she appealed to Maggie to share her vittles. She stole corn out of the corn crib at midnight with no guilt - don't try to tell me that pig can't see. What is a Farmist to do? Rover shows no self respect or self esteem. She just "hogs in and pigs out!"

I can hear you tee-heeing and giggle-giggling but its time you start sweating. I had quite a few accomplices. I won't be afraid to admit I saw you sneaking in the little tidbits at odd moments. Some came armed with loaves of bread! I heard Rover thanking you, wagging her tail out loud. If I go, you do too. We're all in this together. I can prove it just by looking though the guest comment books, this is a rundown on what you thought of Rover: the positive ones first (the really incriminating ones later).

Little Rebecca said, "Daddy liked the pig because she was so funny. We love you Rover. Rover had little funny sticky pieces of hair that I loved." [Some thought that Rover had hair spray on.] Robert (5 5/6 years) will miss Rover. "It was funny when Rover dumped the bowl of milk on her head" - Courtney. Steve and Jane, "I love Rover, she wags her tail like a dog." Nancy said, "We love Rover, she's a pig with a personality." Courtney noted that, "Rover was real sensitive when you accidentally called her a name" [Like hog?]

Some of you tired to maintain innocence and establish alibis:
Jackie said that Rover is too nosy. Logan loved all the animals except the rather large pig. Rover's vocalizations - not really oinks, more of a "Whuffling." Anne from the Justice Dept. added, heaping on more reproach, "shame on you Rover." [Editor's note: Rover is too fat to oink properly.] But Bob said, "I think Vietnamese pigs say something else." [Yeah like, "hey buddy ya gotta little snack for me?]

Here are faulty alibis:
Sunny said the pig was unbearable. Emily, age 10, agreed - the pig is huge. The guest books gave contrary evidence that proved you couldn't help yourselves from aiding and abetting a pig. Caroline admitted, "I loved feeding Rover." David's favorite part was, "feeding the pig some apples which he had brought from home." [Red handed with little green apples.] Kelsey saw how greedy Rover can be, "on Sun[day] Maggie killed a bird and Rover ate it." [This big piggy ate the bird and Maggie had none!]

One asset we have is all you wonderful lawyers that are among our guest lists. We're gonna need some really good lawyers like O.J. got if we get turned in and have to beat this rap. Imagine: getting turned in because Rover can't control her appetite. Of course, our hope is in Millie. She is a wonderful wife and mother, she'd think of something! After her family made the trip here without her because she was attending to her father's illness, they called home for news from her and promptly left for Virginia to bring her here, she had agreed to come after all. They couldn't bear to be without her. When I met Millie I could understand why. Farmer Tom was impressed with her: She cooks, sews, makes ceramics and can take a sow's ear and fashion a silk purse. [Watch out Rover.] She could help us out of jail, bake a cake with a file inside. We could all get out - that is if we wanted to! We could all have a ball in the old clink, it would be just like when you were here - a reunion.

Aside from Rover's hogging the show, there were many outstanding moments and observations. We learned things from you. The Smith's taught us how to rate a snake: check out the color rings, "red next to black is a friend of Jack, red next to yellow can kill a fellow." Lisa said, "Persona non grata." Oh I liked that, but what did it mean? She didn't give me the exact translation, but it most likely comes out close to "not wonderful," or "no big whoop!" We learned about country line dancing from a honeymooning senior citizen couple. Those spunky folks started a "laughter society." [Now why didn't we think of that?] Chris Rogak, young NYC city fella said, "Hershey park is in Brooklyn." [Fortunately he didn't offer to sell us the bridge.] Just like grandson Wilty. He, however, is learning to use a pitchfork; consequently, he is retiring his famous touring profession. We look to granddaughter Lizzy to take up the "Genuine History Lectures." Though she doesn't talk yet, we suspect she'll be just like him. She has already convinced Vicki that life will never be humdrum. So many cupboards, closets and baskets to investigate. Have no fear, one year later, Vicki still smiles, even with her hands full.

More guest quips.
Judy said, "we're in trouble now! All the girls want to know is ‘when are we coming back to the farm.' We came with four and left with five (a cat). You run a class act. You are a ------- of an innkeeper! I don't think I can ever remember waking up and seeing a turkey on top of my car." Jonathan said, "this is my very best day ever." One little girl didn't like the "talkies" One of them stole a few brochures out of a guest's purse and ran around the barnyard with them [crime is rampant around here this year.] But Jack felt okay about all the turkeys around his open car door. His wife Dotty felt that they probably were giving him a guilt trip for devouring one of their kin at Ollies. [Downtown Marietta where Thomas is a waiter.] "We noted on August 11, one of the black turkeys puffed up his feathers and dangled his snood over his beak. I believe that was his Bar mitzvah in turkey age progression. p.s. Sorry for missing breakfast Biz - Lee". McCabe said, "there was so much to do, sometimes I didn't know what to do. Even though I kept sneezing and getting a runny nose, it was worth it." Rebecca and her friend Eve added, "I always come with a cold and leave feeling better by the time that I leave. I guess its just magic." "Non-negotiable highlight of the trip and not to be missed was the chores," comment by a mother. About the atmosphere: a little fella said, "its very, very muddy here. I can't believe I got used to all the flies and the heat." "This place is relaxing and a nice change from big hotels. Sabrina said, "you are very nice people, I will beg my parents to bring me back again and I will bring my tape and sing for you!" Another has plans for 1995 - "next year we'll bring Granny and Pop-pop with us. They'll think they died and went to heaven.

We sure had some great hootenannies. Some of you are incredibly entertaining people. One of our guests is a professional poetry guy. He recited one about "Lizabeth Anne" and another about the cat with only one life to go on (he had lost the other eight). Kate heard it too and was kind enough to go to the library, find it, and sent us a copy. By the way, Kate's entry in the guest book made a few tears drop - so touching - a fine young miss she is. Then there was Mick and his wife Nancy. Mick could play any song on his guitar that you asked him too. "Name that tune." Nancy is a composer and sang beautifully, she "played the table" with her hands like it was huge drum. There was a returnee from last year. This year I again sang for them only to learn that Joe was a professional musician. It was after much coaxing, we got him to play the piano. Such wonderful music he pulled out of his hat.

There were so many magical moments of all sorts as you helped with the chores, appreciated a sunset with us, sat the wee one upon Honey horse, helped pet Rover. Yup, it was a great year, we had some really wonderful times, plenty to retell. You are all special and I wouldn't mind sharing a cell with you folks, unless Rover cleans up her act. Some parting thoughts till that moment: we sure got a bunch of growth tapes with history mounting upon them year by year, so guess we better keep up the good work It will help our case with the judge. Courtney's plea in the guest book is "p.s. keep this farm going!" Guess we will if we ain't all in jail, either way, see you soon.

Yours naturally,

The Olde Fogies

Biz Esq., 1994

(Thomas word processed this whole thing on his fancy new Macintosh computer, And farmer Tom is still sweating on how to pay it off.)

More news stories